In a recent Psychology Today blog written by Fern Schumer Chapman, she notes that half of siblings resent other sibs as caregiving is not shared fairly. Family conflicts are common. And 20% of siblings end up estranged because of caregiving. Gender expectations appear to shape how families share care tasks.

Rarely is caregiving equally shared.

One person carries over half of the responsibilities – appointments, visits, medicine management, daily check-in calls, financial management and/or contributions. Money is the number one issue followed by time and effort.

How families communicate is crucial to the success of engaging together. Text messages are not the most effective and can be misinterpreted as indifference, defensive or disinterested. Talking directly and defining roles are both important to preserving sibling relationships.

It happened to me.

My parents didn’t reside close to any of their kids. We decided as a family with our parents’ input and preferences as to the relocation city. That pretty much defined the sibling roles which played an important part in the relocation decision.

They moved from Utah to Texas. I’m in Arizona so I became the check-in sib. For 12 years after mom died, I called dad every night at the appointed time. We talked about politics, family, baseball, Excel formulas, his exercise classes and doctors’ appointments among other things.

Never a burden, those evening chats brought me great joy and I miss them.

Make a plan.

Do yourself (and your sibling relationships) a favor and start this conversation with your parents and each other early. We focus exclusively on long-term care planning to guide you toward solutions so that, when the time comes, you can focus on what your loved one wants and needs while keeping your family relationships strong.